long gone from the city ,

[jérémie alexandre devereaux]

long gone from the city.
i start to miss you baby, sometimes.

[/size][/font][/center]

The flowers, the stupid flowers. They all seemed like the same fucking bouquet anymore. The ones Zac had sent him so long ago still raped his mind, disabling him from ever considering buying flowers for his apartment’s small coffee table ever again. It was stupid, it was sappy, but it was true. It was annoying as hell, too. He generally had been someone who thought little pieces such as those had gone well on his table, and now he was even considering buying the first flower’s he had gotten in a long time in front of a flower shop.

He felt so pathetic and so emasculated as that disgusting feeling wretched his stomach again. It wasn’t a particularly unfamiliar feeling anymore because it came over him quite often. Sometimes he would forget what it was—it felt so much like guilt, but he had done nothing more than put too much trust in a now ex-boyfriend of his. Those flowers, though, they were sticking to his mind and he really just did not know why anymore. Had he not thrown them disgustingly out of the window, leaving them for some girl on the street below?

He left the subject alone, walking quickly past the shop and off to take some pictures. He was always busy filming or taking pictures of something (as it was his job), but it never felt so horrible as right when he saw Zacharie Sébastien sitting on a bench near through his lens. Jérémie nearly dropped in a crazy surprise, turning quickly to find refuge in one of the small shops near him. He thought to himself, “What the hell is he doing right there?” It seemed like it came to him as such a surprise, but he was just thinking oddly. Zacharie and he lived in the same city, in the same neighborhood. Hell, they’d lived in apartment buildings across from each for years as teenagers and were generally just around each other.

Jem only took a minute before he felt feverish, freaking out. The idea of just leaving with his camera never really came to him—perhaps he really wanted to see him so badly that it wouldn’t even pop up in his mind—and he would probably only notice that this was a subject once he had gone over and flaunted himself blatantly in front of Zac like he had always done. It was all too natural at that point, but certainly something he no longer noticed. It had become a habit for him, you know, just acting as flirty and as sexy as he possibly could. Jérémie still hadn’t got over this pathetic habit with Zac—or anyone else for that matter—and he always thought it was stupid. Plus, why would he do that if he still wasn’t taking him back like they both knew they wanted to happen?

He wouldn’t ever really take him back if he couldn’t trust him. Trust—Jem had always had trouble with trust, but it had only become worse since Zac got his girlfriend pregnant. He felt like people were just going to betray him all of the time, no matter who it was. A shaky hand pulled a sleeve along with it, allowing himself to lean his face against it. It soon retreated back to lace itself clumsily in his brown, messy hair. Suddenly, a voice from behind him, “Are you going to by anything, monsieur?” That fake air of respect hit him and he quickly turned around to consider how he could buy his way into a few more minutes in the safe shop.

“Those, I want those.” He pointed to the first pack of cigarettes he saw behind the counter, luckily picking his own brand. He bit his lip as he pulled his wallet from his bag, still shaky hands pulling the specified amount of euros cautiously and handing it over. He took the pack and stuffed it in his pocket, biting down on his lip as he considered what the shaky hands were doing to him. He couldn’t take any pictures until he calmed down. He took a breath, confused as to why he felt so weird and shaky and odd just because he had seen Zac.

He then realized that in the ten or so minutes he had been hiding in the shop, Zacharie could have easily left his spot and Jem relaxed easily into this thought…who sat by themselves on a bench all alone for more than ten minutes? It was just a resting spot, anyways! That’s when Jérémie suddenly also realized that he had brought himself to move out side and had without looking judged that Zac was definitely not there. Jem looked back to the bench, expecting it to be blatantly, quietly vacant. He could sit there and think about it, but that would be a bad idea, too. He could just go away.

Alas, it wasn’t empty. No, Zacharie Adrien Sébastien was sitting there. He knew that it wasn’t him who should have been scared—hell, he was the one constantly claiming that he didn’t love him and this was completely out of character for him (stupid secret emotions, eh?)—But he was. He was sure that if he did talk to him his demeanor, his personality would suddenly be regular. That confident, sly air that Jérémie had learned to hold so well would come back to him. In the mean time, he could stand there and worry.

He took a step when he finally realized that leaving was appropriate, but obviously in the wrong direction. Zac caught his eye with his own, and he just stood there, stupidly. Shit.

[zacharie adrien sébastien]

what type of romance is this.
i must have a kiss to understand.

[/size][/font][/center]

whenever zacharie sébastien was upset or angry, he sketched. it had been a habit since he was a little kid, first getting into the art 'scene,' and had carried with him up until now at the age of twenty-one. for the past three months, he had spent as much time out of his apartment and out on the city streets, sketching and people-watching, for at least three out of the seven days of the week. trying to get away from something or someone? hah, why would you think that? he was only still in love with his ex-boyfriend that hated his guts and no one knew about it, meanwhile trying to put on a happy front for his pregnant girlfriend who thought she was the only thing in his life. was he in a lot of trouble for a twenty-one year old musician/artist? of course, but at least he had a way of surpressing it all deep down inside of him. it was a skill that he didn't exactly cherish, but he was glad he did have. at least it came in handy in situations like this.

today was one of those days where he was simply sitting around somewhere in the city and sketching. today's place was no where important, really, the place bellecour just had all sorts of interesting people running backwards and forwards trying to get their daily things done. not to mention zacharie found the place rather beautiful, especially with the magnificent ferris wheel. why did he like ferris wheels? well, he never really knew the answer to that one. he just found them... interesting. they were one of the oldest attractions in the world and some of them honestly looked so beautiful, antique as they were. it was the ferris wheel that he had decided to sketch the moment he sat down on a bench, his brown eyes taking in the scene before him. he didn't know how long he had been sitting there on the bench, but he was sure it was for a longer time than normal because he could feel people's questioning stares, wondering why the tall, almost anorexic looking male was just sitting on a bench drawing.... well, not even drawing anymore, as he had set down his pencil to stare at the half-finished piece of art in front of him.

but he was thinking, so he couldn't pay attention to any of this. he was thinking about the previous three months and what the fuck he was going to do with a child and what he was going to do about the child and such. he had to get a real job eventually, something he didn't enjoy doing... something that paid better. now that he had a baby to take care of as well as a pregnant girlfriend that was a must, but of course he wasn't looking forward to it. he wasn't looking forward to amiee getting huge and then pushing out a screaming, crying baby. as much as he loved children, he knew he was too young and not ready to have a child, but he guessed that didn't matter now. he had been stupid and cheated on his boyfriend and this was nothing less than what he deserved for it. if zacharie really chose to believe in god, he could have said it was god's way of punishing for it, but, of course, he didn't really believe in any kind of religion.

then there was jérémie. zacharie knew he had hurt the boy, obviously, and there wasn't a day that zacharie didn't beat himself up over it. jérémie had always been the sweetest boy, or at least zacharie had thought so, and he had known about the trust issues.... how could he have not? there was no chance in hell that the trust issues had not gotten worse, and he knew that. how he managed to wind himself up in this mess he didn't know. sure, he was a flirt... but he had never been a slut. he had just been such a damn coward that he didn't want amiee to know that he had a boyfriend... and that's why he couldn't refuse her sex when she finally wanted it. if he hadn't been a coward and faced up to his dad about having a boyfriend but still liking girls this whole thing would have never happened. jérémie and him would have been happy and amiee... well, he probably would have never known her or the unborn baby that is now in her stomach. what worried him about amiee was that she drank and he knew that was bad. not only for her, but for the baby. right now he cared more about the child then anything else. if there was one thing he was going to do right out of this mess it would be to raise the child healthy and right and be loving and understanding, unlike his father... hopefully.

finally snapping back into reality, he realized how much he had spaced and focused back onto the half-finished drawing in his lap. the ferris wheel had been drawn as well as the rest of the scenery and all that was left to do was shade and bring his sketching to 'life.' finding it hard to concentrate, zacharie finally gave up and stuffed both the sketchpad and his pencil into the messenger bag laying on the bench seat next to him. closing his eyes, he rubbed them with the palms of his hands before opening them. as he opened his eyes, his mouth fell open as his brown gaze landed on jérémie's face, eyes locking with his. he didn't know what to do and was quickly panicking, debating silently in his head whether he could try and grovel face to face again or just run. why he was freaking out, he didn't know, but he definitely knew that his ex-boyfriend was standing right in front of him merely a few feet away and he had to do something. but all he could do was sit there and stare, wondering how he had become so completely useless.

[jérémie alexandre devereaux]

try as he might he's unable to speak.
he grabs her by the hair, he strokes her on the cheek.

[/size][/font][/center]

It was probably the scariest prospect ever. Thinking about Zach was bad, but staring was even worse. He didn't want to talk to him, look at him, think about him, yet he was enjoying himself so much staring him down once again. He got that disgusting feeling of butterflies in his stomach. His fingers tapped lightly against his thigh in attempts to busy them, still watching stupidly. There was something sitting on the tip of the tongue, but he didn't even know was it actually was. Jérémie gulped pathetically as he continued to try and register the fact that Zach was actually there and he was probably waiting for something to come out of his mouth, too. Unfortunately the only thing that could possibly come out of his mouth right now was probably throw-up or maybe just what was happening now - pathetic attempts at breathing. It felt like he was just drowning in his current surroundings.

He bit down hard on his lower lip, his middle and index fingers reaching out to ghost over Zach's arm because he wanted to make sure he was not just hallucinating. Right at the touch he recoiled his hand and stuffed it into his free pocket. Right now Jérémie just wanted to run away, light up a cigarette, and go do something that didn't require thinking about Zach. Whatever it was, he wanted to do it. Fuck, he could go grocery shopping and be happy. Considering food, now he wanted some bread. See? Spacing out was really working out for him right now. He suddenly snapped back into reality and found himself just looking pathetically into his favorite brown eyes. "I...it's...nice out today..." Jérémie tried small talk, but that didn't work either. He was wrecking his lip with his teeth.

"I..."

[/b] He was going to try again. "That was stupid." He looked away blankly, gulping. Words came up and it made him queasy. He was trying to tolerate the male in front of him, but a part of him wanted so badly to go forward and punch him out. Jem hated Zacharie so much that it probably wasn't healthy for his behavior. Jérémie felt so mad and disoriented standing there. His face had quickly twisted into a slight glare, disgusted and completely upset at the same time. He almost felt like crying in front of Zach, but he knew that if he acted any way but cool he would feel stupid. "So..." He muttered quietly, head falling to the side and his blue eyes wondering off into the distance in attempt to regain his composure. God, he felt horrible and he hadn't done anything at all.

He sucked on his full lip, eyes locking with his ex-boyfriend's again. "Do you think I should...y'know, go?"[/b] Jem didn't want to. "I...think...I should probably leave now." He shook his head to clear his mind, assuming his brain would force him to start walking away. Unfortunately, his feet and the rest of his body felt like they'd been glued down by cement. He wasn't going anywhere. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want Zach to agree that leaving was the best idea. He really only wanted to kiss him right there, but why on earth would he admit that? Jem wouldn't even admit that to himself. He was afraid to admit to himself. Jem didn't want to do anything that was bad for Zach either.

He took his first step to leave, all of those horribly familiar feelings flooding his head. He took two steps away. The first thought was, I hate him. The second thought was, He's going to have a kid. I can't fuck it up for him. The third thought was, I still hate him. It eventually, after a bit of consideration was, Holy crap, I still love him. He almost said it aloud, but all he could do was stop and look blankly forward. He wasn't looking any more and that was a plus, but he could still feel Zach's eyes on his cheek. Jérémie took a deep breath through his nose and released through his mouth, slowly turning back to face him. He opened his mouth again, but nothing came out.

[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[zacharie adrien sébastien]

what type of romance is this.
i must have a kiss to understand.

[/size][/font][/center]

they probably looked like an odd sight, two grown men staring each other down in fright, wondering who would be the first to break the silence. nobody would know why, though, and this was the reason why the whole fight started. should he be the first one to break the silence? probably, as he was the one to make all this shit happen, but once again his coward side was kicking in and all he could do was stare, open-mouthed, at his ex-boyfriend wishing things were not as they were. licking his dry lips, he cleared his throat as though he were about to speak, even opening him mouth once again in the attempt to, but quickly closed it and sighed. what would i even say? he thought to himself, mentally cursing how idiotic he was being. i've apologized more times than i can count... he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and it's all my fucking fault. as he was mentally abusing himself, he felt something near his arm and he looked up, seeing jem's face as his fingers reached out to touch him before his hand jerked back into his pocket.

a frown slowly slid across his features when he realized what had happened. jem didn't want to touch him, obviously, and that had all probably been some weird sub-concious thing he was doing before he realized what he was actually doing.... but how zacharie wished that those few fingers could have been a hug... something more. at the attempt of small talk that jem had started, a soft laugh escaped his dry throat, shaking his head. "yeah, i guess it is pretty nice out today," he shrugged his shoulders, his arm itching to reach up and pull jem's bottom lip out of his teeth that were wrecking those soft lips.... the ones that he liked to kiss so much only a few months ago... shaking his head, he cleared his thoughts and sighed. this conversation would probably go nowhere, and somewhere deep down underneath it all zacharie knew that. why he wasn't cutting it off now, he didn't know. maybe he just liked to torture himself with things that he couldn't have now that he had a girlfriend and a kid... and possibly a girlfriend that he'd have to marry if she took it that far. the thought of that made him shudder. stupid? well... a bit, but that wasn't something he was going to tell jem, especially since the look he was giving him was full of hatred or something close to it and his heart probably broke even more than it did when he realized amiee was pregnant.

sighing, he fidgeted in his seat and pulled his messenger back on just in case he had to make a quick gettaway. you never really knew... zac was awesome at yelling and fighting when he needed to be, but he really didn't want to yell and fight with jem anymore. so if that turned out to be the case, he could always be the chicken and run. through all of these thoughts, yet again jem interrupted them and he was forced to focus on those gorgeous blue eyes of his and frowned. leaving? no! he coudln't leave... zacharie still wanted to torture himself with jem for at least a few more minutes, if jem would just stay there... quickly standing up when he saw the other start to turn around, he took one long step and reached for his wrist just as his ex-boyfriend turned around and opened his mouth. his breath caught in his throat, his hands still on the boy's wrist as he stared at the other for what seemed like forever.

finally, he cleared his throat and opened it to let words - hopefully ones that the other could understand - fall out of his mouth. "don't go," he muttered and frowned. "please. i.... i miss you, jérémie. i'm so sorry." of course that wasn't going to work, but he needed to try and apologize one last time. he liked to torment himself, remember? and being rejected by jem for the thousandth time in these three months certainly fell under that category. "you have no idea how sorry i am. i was stupid and selfish and i should have just told my dad from the moment we got together, but..." but what? was he seriously going to tell jérémie how much of a coward he truly was? zacharie didn't think he should, and so he just sighed and shook his head. "if we can't be together again, i understand... but i really, really miss you and if we could just be friends?" he pleaded, searching jem's face and staring into those pretty pair of blue eyes. he just hoped jem wouldn't make too much of a scene her of all places, which is why his voice was low so that only he could hear.

[jérémie alexandre devereaux]

He smirked at Zacharie's laugh, gulping afterwards. He missed hearing him and the silence on his ex-boyfriend's part was making him feel very awkward and freaky. Jem wanted him to talk, but he was also very afraid of listening to him say anything he had to say. He could suddenly feel how dry his throat was and how bad his whole body was suddenly feeling. Jem's knees felt like they were about to collapse him, and he was really hoping he would just fall and knock himself out. Anything at all would be better than actually being around Zacharie right now. Caught in thought, standing there, he had a chill when Zach grabbed onto his wrist. He did his best to shake it away, hoping he could get rid of the feeling before he started wanting it there. It was too bad, because as quick as Zach touched him his wrist was aching - probably not literally, but it certainly felt like it was beating or bleeding profusely.

"I miss you, too, Zacharie."

[/color] Jérémie's voice did not sound so sincere, though - or rather, it sounded a lot like he was disgusted by his own words. Feelings had never mattered very much to Jem, and although he certainly cared for Zacharie, he hadn't noticed how his tone could even possibly be hurtful. Eh, Zach was probably hurting bad enough with him just being there, anyways. He may have sounded disgusted with his words, but he wasn't lying at all. In fact, that was probably the most sincere thing that had ever passed Jem's lips. He missed him terribly. To make sure that Zach didn't really get his hopes up Jem said, "But..."[/color] He had to wait a little bit for something to come to him about that.

"I'm so sick of hearing you say you're sorry." He looked away and caught his breath - it felt like it had been knocked out of him. "I'm sorry to sound so mean, but I don't know exactly how else I could possibly sound."[/color] Jem was trying to be quiet. He didn't want to be too loud or cause a scene (like he so wanted to, by the way) in public. He was nearly whispering or may he was just talking quietly - he couldn't exactly tell the difference. He slicked his lip because it felt so dry and crackly. He shook his head to clear his mind and just stood there in silence for a moment or two. Jérémie was tense, his body language proved him to be incredibly nervous in front of Zach.

He looked away when Zach was talking. "Yeah, you were. You should have, but you didn't - so it doesn't really matter any more. I still...I just don't understand how you could..."[/color] He trailed off and bit down on his lip again. "But we've gone over it a thousand times, and I don't really want to talk about it."[/color] He just kept cutting his own attempts at talking out. He didn't know what to say and he was pretty sick of the same old argument they'd had one million times.

"I'm going to be honest with you - I really miss you too and I really want to be with you, but...I can't. I just can't."[/color] He took in a shaky breath. "It's just...you know me. You know it is not in character for me to just forgive someone. I don't think I can or know how to forgive you, anyways..."[/color] He rolled his eyes. "And I don't want to ruin...what you have going for you..."[/color] That was his only excuse for not wanting to take him back right then - the only one he had never pulled in the past. Jem was getting nervous...very, very nervous.[/blockquote][/blockquote]